A Texas Butterfly

A Texas Butterfly

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

A Day with Doctor and Therapist

I’m not a very experienced girl.  I have work and family responsibilities that I recognize as being more important at this point and time than my having a few hours of enjoyment as Lindsay.  Of course it goes without saying that I would love to be out experiencing life on a regular basis as Lindsay, and I am anxiously looking forward to the day I will go full time, even though it will alter my responsibility to my family.  But, at the moment I must bide my time.  I get to be Lindsay about once a month when I go to see my therapist and my doctor, usually on the same day so I don’t have to take off work too often.  Other than therapy and doctor days, I get out about three or four times a year when my best friend Suzi and I go to Dallas for a whole weekend.  Because my time as Lindsay is so limited right now, I savor every moment I can be my true self.

My typical trip to the therapist and doctor usually go something like this.  My wife doesn’t like me to dress around her, or even in East Texas where we live, because she is so fearful that someone we know will recognize me.  So, getting dressed at home on the day of my appointments, and then driving to Dallas as Lindsay is out of the question.  The best solution I’ve come up with is to drive over on the night before, get a decent meal I don’t usually have access to in East Texas, and check into a motel.  I do some prep such as shaving the legs, and putting on some fake nails then try to get a good nights sleep.  I try to get up six or seven hours before I need to be at my appointments.  Let’s face it, it takes time to be as beautiful as I.  Stifle that chuckle.  It does take some time for me to get ready, because I haven’t had that much experience with makeup, but probably more because I’m just not a morning person.  Trowel and shovel in hand and before the day is over, I’m ready to go.  LOL  One bad cup of coffee in the room requires a stop someplace for a real cup of coffee, or to be more precise, a large sugar with a side of coffee.  That usually is enough to get me where I need to go.  I like to schedule the doctor visit first since my doctor is in Coppell, about as far northwest as you can go and still be considered in the Dallas area. 

My doctor is great, and she has helped me in so many ways, but I will write about her in a future blog.  Everyone at her office is so friendly.  They do the usual weight, blood pressure bit, and then Dr. Ridley and I sit down and talk about a little bit of everything.  She takes her time and a session with her usually takes between 45 minutes to an hour.  And, that time doesn’t include the time in the waiting room, or getting vitals checked.  That is from the time I actually sit down with her to talk, until I walk up front to check out.

Doctor visit out of the way, it’s time to remind my stomach that we are still friends.  I eat a light lunch, as in not too filling.  I’ll save my appetite for dinner and splurge a little.  Arby’s, Chick-Fil-A, Sonic.  All are promising for the short term.  With my stomach now having signed the temporary Peace Treaty, it’s time to head for therapy.  Feleshia is such a sweet lady.  Her office is set up more like a living room than an office, with two couches, a soft chair and a coffee table.  We each usually take up the same spot on different couches, with Feleshia kicking off her shoes and tucking her legs under her as she sits clutching a big soft pillow, and me trying my best to be the prim and proper lady.  Sometimes, though, Feleshia rubs off on me and I’ll have to kick off my heels as well.  I usually pour my heart out to her and she provides insight and guidance.  Most of our sessions are pretty upbeat since I have been fortunate enough to have almost NO bad experiences.  I have been known to do my share of crying when we talk about my family.  And Feleshia is so sweet, she doesn’t even make me bring my own tissues.  I know we have a patient/therapist relationship.  But, there is so much more to our interaction than that.  She is truly like another sister to me.  I consider her one of my friends and I hope she feels the same about me.  

With doctor and therapy out of the way, it’s usually time for some more therapy, …, RETAIL therapy.  Over the years I’ve spent so much money on things that aren’t right for me or were just cheap products.  The old adage ‘you get what you pay for’ is true.  With my RLT or full time looming in the near future, I’m no longer buying things just for me enjoy wearing around the house only for me.  For the last six to eight months I’ve been trying to build my wardrobe to start the rest of my life.  I definitely shop more and buy less than I used to.  While I am trying to pay for doctors and therapy and trying to save for surgeries, I have to be more selective in what I buy to make sure it is something that can follow me into a new life.  It really is therapy.  If I’m feeling a little down, a little shopping time can pick me right up.  I love the hunt, and finding that one great piece is also on sale is fantastic.  I feel the urge for a shopping day coming on.

Before going back to the motel to change and go home I always take the time to treat myself to a nice dinner.  I have my favorite haunts like Chili’s, Olive Garden, Cheddar’s, and Outback.  Perhaps next trip I'll have a good steak and a glass of wine, or a nice pasta and a margarita.  I feel very blessed that in all my outings, whether it’s shopping, dinning out, or going to the movies, I have always been treated with respect, and dignity, as all people should be.    


Suzi said...

First...why shouldn't you be treated with respect and dignity like anybody else?

I understand that you don't think you pass all that well, but I don't think that's true anymore. I feel the same way about myself many times, but the more time I spend in public, the more my confidence grows. When you are able to spend more time as Lindsay, I'm sure you will begin to feel that surge in confidence. Confidence in yourself will breed confidence that others have in your presentation too. More time spent as Lindsay will make femme attributes automatic instead of something you have to consciously and constantly remember to present.

When we are out together, I believe that the only reason people give us a second glance is because of our size. You're around 6' and I'm 5'9...both are normal male heights, but much taller than average females. When we walk in together, I believe they see us a giants...lol...or Amazons perhaps.

The whole wardrobe thing is really tough...lol. I have so many things in the closet that I need to get rid of. I bought them because I found them attractive...at least on the manikin or a GG with a beautiful hourglass figure. Sometimes, the beauty and femininity of an article of clothing sucks me in with hopes of transferring just a drop of that femininity to myself. So often though, when I put it on, it just screams "sucker." I want so badly to be pretty, that often times it clouds the wisdom involved in the decision of whether or not it helps me pass as a female. I'd rather pass as a female wearing jeans and a t-shirt than be perceived as a man wearing a gorgeous dress and heels.

Felisha sounds like a great lady. I'm so glad you feel so comfortable around her...that is very important. She MUST really care, because I just don't think it's possible to have that good of a "bedside manner" intentionally...it HAS to come from the heart. And you have a great heart. I know she sees that and has taken a special liking to you.

I know I have. :)Suzi

Halle said...

Thanks for making your blog open. I will thank Suzi myself for shouting you out as she did.

I am looking forward to following along!



Rebecca said...

I'm glad you opened your blog to the public, and I'm looking forward to reading more!

I know what you mean about the challenges of putting together a decent wardrobe!

I've also recently started to transition, so I'll be interested in reading about your experiences.


Melissa said...

Hi Lindsay! I see that Suzi told you about the comments format options. Thanks for changing it! Suzi has talked abut what great friends you are on her blog. Now I'm looking forward to reading your bog too!

Your doctor is very gracious to spend 45 minutes to an hour with you. Most doctors don't line to send more than fifteen minutes with a patient.

Melissa XX

Anne said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anne said...


My name is Anne, and I am your proverbial "devil's advocate", but that is only on my good days. Just ask many of the other folks around here, and I am sure they will be glad to tell you that I am in fact much worse.

I don't believe them of course, because I believe that all I do is ask questions. Of course they are usually not easy questions like how was your day today or do you prefer pink or fushia. In fact, some might even say that they are usually difficult questions that require thought and sometimes even thoughtful reflection.

So I GUESS MY FIRST QUESTION is why do you think that because you have always liked wearing "girly" clothes, that you must want to be a girl? Oh wait. Maybe I misunderstood. You knew you were different when you were really little, and you were really facinated by little girls when you were little and so you tried on their dresses and really liked it.

OK. I can understand that. After all, when I was really little too, I knew I was a boy, but I felt like what I THOUGHT a girl must feel like. Pretty confusing, huh. Well, don't feel bad. I am 62 and I still don't understand it.

Oh I have some thoughts and some theories, but that is all they are. Just theories. You see, the reason that I wander around on blogs like this is that since about 3 or 4 years ago, (whenever it was that Sussan Stanton was making news), I have again been trying to understand this whole TG?TS/CD thing. Why? Well I guess it is because I have been witness to the tragic destruction of too many lives.

You see, it is NOT that I believe that "it" cannot be done, because I know it CAN be done. What bothers me is that so many try and fail either because they do not know whatthey are doing, are doing it for the wrong reasons or are getting bad advise.

I mean why even THINK about a full blown SEX CHANGE with all that THAT entails, when some simple fun cross dressing can be so fulfilling. I mean there are dozens of gurls around here who are perfectly happy, and never bothered with all that"transition" stuff. I mean seriously it is much easier and way less complicated. Probably a lot easier on your wife too, AND you get to keep that little goodie that makes your wife so really nice to have around.

ezs said...


I would appreciate it if you read my blog, http://emilysvirtualrocket.blogspot.com. The blog is a virtual compendium of articles from newspapers, newsweeklies, and magazines, both popular and scholarly. The articles have a viewpoint toward transgender / transsexual news. If you like it, please put
"Emily's virtual rocket "under the title commonly called
"Blogroll". Thank you so much!



Diana Nicole B said...

i must agree with Suzi as she pretty much said it all.
i know these days i too have become more selective of what clothing and accessories i buy. if i don't think ill ever use an item then why give it closet space.
and i must rally agree with Suzi in that you are a lot more passable that you realize. i always say if it takes more than 20 mins to put on makeup then it is to much. (and that is if i use mascara) i try to use the makeup to accent and draw attention say to my eyes and away from my jaw line.
on the height issue i am lucky in that i am only 5'6-1/2". but i have seen some rather striking yet rather tall GG's so it is all in the confidence issue. the more one gets out in the world the more confidence one builds at the come to realize what "look" works best. good luck and thank you for sharing.